Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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