It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
