Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
why do cheetos always look like penises
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize