You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
