he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
