I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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