We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
