Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
