Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
