.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
