You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
