Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
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