I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
