The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
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