I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
