Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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