I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
