Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
