while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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