After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
