I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My bed smells like the plague
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