Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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