there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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