fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
