How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
