The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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