I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize