I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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