What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
