The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
