The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My ATM looks so different sober.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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