If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
