Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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