I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
