You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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