Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
