Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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