I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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