then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
