ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I think pants incapable of making pants work
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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