Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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