how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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