dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
