It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize