Don't make out with my wife yet
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
