Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
