3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
