Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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