You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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