theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
