Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
