Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
