I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
