I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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