If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
My vagina just clenched in fear
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
