Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
