Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
