shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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