I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
