I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
