I wish my penis had an off switch
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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