I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Randomize
