today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
