Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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