He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
The air taste purple.
Randomize
