What did we do last night that was yellow?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
