I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
