we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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