Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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