I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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