Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
