oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
