first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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